WOg0\,Sr/SQr/SQr\\\\-S.rg)z Initial jokes from stackoverflow - provided under CC BY-SA 3.0 http://stackoverflow.com/questions/234075/what-is-your-best-programmer-joke?page=4&tab=votes#tab-top )zComplaining about the lack of smoking shelters, the nicotine addicted Python programmers said there ought to be 'spaces for tabs'.z&Ubuntu users are apt to get this joke.z?Obfuscated Reality Mappers (ORMs) can be useful database tools.zAsked to explain Unicode during an interview, Geoff went into detail about his final year university project. He was not hired.zTriumphantly, Beth removed Python 2.7 from her server in 2030. 'Finally!' she said with glee, only to see the announcement for Python 4.4.zPAn SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, 'Can I join you?'z@When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.zIf you put a million monkeys at a million keyboards, one of them will eventually write a Java program. The rest of them will write Perl.z'Knock, knock.' 'Who's there?' ... very long pause ... 'Java.'zYHow many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, that's a hardware problem.z>What's the object-oriented way to become wealthy? Inheritance.z/Why don't jokes work in octal? Because 7 10 11.zbHow many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, they just make darkness a standard.zjTwo bytes meet. The first byte asks, 'Are you ill?' The second byte replies, 'No, just feeling a bit off.'zvTwo threads walk into a bar. The barkeeper looks up and yells, 'Hey, I want don't any conditions race like time last!'z9Old C programmers don't die, they're just cast into void.zyEight bytes walk into a bar. The bartender asks, 'Can I get you anything?' 'Yeah,' replies the bytes. 'Make us a double.'zBWhy did the programmer quit his job? Because he didn't get arrays.zKWhy do Java programmers have to wear glasses? Because they don't see sharp.zsSoftware developers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own.zL.NET was named .NET so that it wouldn't show up in a Unix directory listing.z3Hardware: The part of a computer that you can kick.zA programmer was found dead in the shower. Next to their body was a bottle of shampoo with the instructions 'Lather, Rinse and Repeat'.z{Optimist: The glass is half full. Pessimist: The glass is half empty. Programmer: The glass is twice as large as necessary.z=In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.zIHow come there is no obfuscated Perl contest? Because everyone would win.zIf you play a Windows CD backwards, you'll hear satanic chanting ... worse still, if you play it forwards, it installs Windows.zhHow many programmers does it take to kill a cockroach? Two: one holds, the other installs Windows on it.z3What do you call a programmer from Finland? Nerdic.zAWhat did the Java code say to the C code? A: You've got no class.zIWhy did Microsoft name their search engine BING? Because It's Not Google.z.Pirates go 'arg!', computer pirates go 'argv!'z[Software salesmen and used-car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying.zjChild: Dad, why does the sun rise in the east and set in the west? Dad: Son, it's working, don't touch it.zNWhy do programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas? Because OCT 31 == DEC 25.zFHow many Prolog programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? false.z9Real programmers can write assembly code in any language.z6Waiter: Would you like coffee or tea? Programmer: Yes.zBWhat do you get when you cross a cat and a dog? Cat dog sin theta.z.If loving you is ROM I don't wanna read write.z A programmer walks into a foo...zA programmer walks into a bar and orders 1.38 root beers. The bartender informs her it's a root beer float. She says 'Make it a double!'zAWhat is Benoit B. Mandelbrot's middle name? Benoit B. Mandelbrot.zAWhy are you always smiling? That's just my... regular expression.z)ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.zrA programmer had a problem. He thought to himself, 'I know, I'll solve it with threads!'. has Now problems. two hez"Why do sin and tan work? Just cos.zJava: Write once, run away.z>I would tell you a joke about UDP, but you would never get it.zA QA engineer walks into a bar. Runs into a bar. Crawls into a bar. Dances into a bar. Tiptoes into a bar. Rams a bar. Jumps into a bar.zLMy friend's in a band called '1023 Megabytes'... They haven't got a gig yet!zGI had a problem so I thought I'd use Java. Now I have a ProblemFactory.zQA Engineer walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a sfdeljknesv.zfA product manager walks into a bar, asks for drink. Bartender says no, but will consider adding later.ztHow do you generate a random string? Put a first year Computer Science student in Vim and ask them to save and exit.zWI've been using Vim for a long time now, mainly because I can't figure out how to exit.zNHow do you know whether a person is a Vim user? Don't worry, they'll tell you.zEWaiter: He's choking! Is anyone a doctor? Programmer: I'm a Vim user.zs3 Database Admins walked into a NoSQL bar. A little while later they walked out because they couldn't find a table.zHow to explain the movie Inception to a programmer? When you run a VM inside another VM, inside another VM ... everything runs real slow!zaWhat do you call a parrot that says "Squawk! Pieces of nine! Pieces of nine!"? A parrot-ey error.znThere are only two hard problems in Computer Science: cache invalidation, naming things and off-by-one-errors.zNThere are 10 types of people: those who understand binary and those who don't.zSThere are 2 types of people: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets...zVThere are II types of people: Those who understand Roman Numerals and those who don't.zMThere are 10 types of people: those who understand hexadecimal and 15 others.zThere are 10 types of people: those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who were expecting this joke to be in trinary.zrThere are 10 types of people: those who understand trinary, those who don't, and those who have never heard of it.z*What do you call eight hobbits? A hobbyte.zSThe best thing about a Boolean is even if you are wrong, you are only off by a bit.zYA good programmer is someone who always looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.zJThere are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.z9QAs consist of 55% water, 30% blood and 15% Jira tickets.z>Sympathy for the Devil is really just about being nice to QAs.z~How many QAs does it take to change a lightbulb? They noticed that the room was dark. They don't fix problems, they find them.zA programmer crashes a car at the bottom of a hill, a bystander asks what happened, he says "No idea. Let's push it back up and try again".zHWhat do you mean 911 is only for emergencies? I've got a merge conflict.zmWriting PHP is like peeing in the swimming pool, everyone did it, but we don't need to bring it up in public.z6Why did the QA cross the road? To ruin everyone's day.zANumber of days since I have encountered an array index error: -1.z?Number of days since I have encountered an off-by-one error: 0.ziSpeed dating is useless. 5 minutes is not enough to properly explain the benefits of the Unix philosophy.z]Microsoft hold a bi-monthly internal "productive week" where they use Google instead of Bing.zzSchrodinger's attitude to web development: If I don't look at it in Internet Explorer then there's a chance it looks fine.zjFinding a good PHP developer is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Or is it a hackstack in a needle?zKUnix is user friendly. It's just very particular about who its friends are.zA COBOL programmer makes millions with Y2K remediation and decides to get cryogenically frozen. "The year is 9999. You know COBOL, right?"ziThe C language combines all the power of assembly language with all the ease-of-use of assembly language.z~An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, public house, Irish pub, tavern, bartender, beer, liquor, wine, alcohol, spirits...zSWhat does 'Emacs' stand for? 'Exclusively used by middle aged computer scientists.'zkWhat does pyjokes have in common with Adobe Flash? It gets updated all the time, but never gets any better.zHWhy does Waldo only wear stripes? Because he doesn't want to be spotted.zyI went to a street where the houses were numbered 8k, 16k, 32k, 64k, 128k, 256k and 512k. It was a trip down Memory Lane.z&!false, (It's funny because it's true)z['hip', 'hip'] (hip hip array!)zProgrammer: The ship I boarded crashed and I am dying! Project Manager: Then let's do a quick knowledge transfer session before you go.zqAre you a RESTful API? because you GET my attention, PUT some love, POST the cutest smile, and DELETE my bad day.z:I used to know a joke about Java, but I run out of memory.z_My girlfriend dumped me after I named a class after her. She felt I treated her like an object.zGirl: Do you drink? Programmer: No. Girl: Have Girlfriend? Programmer: No. Girl: Then how do you enjoy life? Programmer: I am ProgrammerzuA Programmer was walking out of door for work, his wife said "while you're out, buy some milk" and he never returned.zA: What is your address? Me: 173.168.15.10 A: No, your local address Me: 127.0.0.1 A: I mean your physical address B: 29:01:38:62:31:58zWWhy do programmers always mix up Halloween and Christmas? Because Oct 31 equals Dec 25.zbProgramming is 10% science, 20% ingenuity, and 70% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.zAThere are three kinds of lies: Lies, damned lies, and benchmarks.zDAll programmers are playwrights, and all computers are lousy actors.zjHave you heard about the new Cray super computer? It's so fast, it executes an infinite loop in 6 seconds.zGThe generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.zLI just saw my life flash before my eyes and all I could see was a close tag.zMThe computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the programmerz2Debugging: Removing the needles from the haystack.zuIf doctors were like software engineers, they would say things like Have you tried killing yourself and being reborn?zWDebugging is like being the detective in a crime drama where you are also the murderer.zXThe best thing about a Boolean is that even if you are wrong, you are only off by a bit.z2If you listen to a UNIX shell, can you hear the C?zDWhy do Java programmers have to wear glasses? Because they don't C#.zGWhen Apple employees die, does their life HTML5 in front of their eyes?z8What did the router say to the doctor? It hurts when IP.zoLearning JavaScript is like looking both ways before you cross the street, and then getting hit by an airplane.zWI for one am excited for the days when dereferencing a null pointer causes an aneurysm.z]Debugging is like an onion. There are multiple layers to it, and the more you peel them back.zUWhen your code does not change color automatically, Something's wrong, I can feel it.z>I have a joke on programming but it only works on my computer.zCWhy do you always use i and j variales in loops? It's the law......zBAs far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.z8A user friendly computer first requires a friendly user.z(Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature.z/Buy a Pentium 586/200 so you can reboot faster.zRComputer analyst to programmer: You start coding. I'll go find out what they want.z(Computer programmers do it byte by byte.z;Don't compute and drive; the life you save may be your own.zEHow an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file...z3If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.z&I have a dream: 1073741824 bytes free.z9I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.z4Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking.z/Never say 'OOPS!' always say 'Ah, Interesting!'z,One person's error is another person's data.z"Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue....zKProgrammer's Time-Space Continuum: Programmers continuously space the time.zSpeed Kills! Use Windows.zTThe box said: 'install on Windows 95, NT 4.0 or better'. So I installed it on Linux.zFThe program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.zbThere are only 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.z9There were computers in Biblical times. Eve had an Apple.zIThose who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK!z7User error: replace user and press any key to continue.z5Warning, keyboard not found. Press Enter to continue.zlWhy do they call this a word processor? It's simple, ... you've seen what food processors do to food, right?zIWhy do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?z-Windows is NOT a virus. Viruses DO something.z>WINDOWS stands for Will Install Needless Data On Whole System.z5You are making progress if each mistake is a new one.z9You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!z8You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.zMYou don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.zLYou forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you'll need that version.z,I love pressing the F5 key. It's refreshing.z2My favourite computer based band is the Black IPs.z8Why was the developer bankrupt? He'd used all his cache.z@A friend is in a band called 1023Mb. They haven't had a gig yet.zWApparently my password needs to be capitals only so I've changed it to LONDONMADRIDROMEzPI changed my password to BeefStew but the computer told me it wasn't Stroganoff.z@Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.z5Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.zLThe Internet: where men are men, women are men, and children are FBI agents.z"Bugs come in through open Windows.zEUnix is user friendly. It's just selective about who its friends are.zGFailure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product.zMComputers are like air conditioners: they stop working when you open Windows.z.Beware of programmers that carry screwdrivers.z0I'm not anti-social; I'm just not user friendly.zHey! It compiles! Ship it!zIIf Ruby is not and Perl is the answer, you don't understand the question.z$My attitude isn't bad. It's in beta.z8Programmers are tools for converting caffeine into code.zIThere are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.zAWhy do programmers prefer dark mode? Because light attracts bugs.)gz:When Chuck Norris throws exceptions, it's across the room.z\All arrays Chuck Norris declares are of infinite size, because Chuck Norris knows no bounds.zbChuck Norris doesn't have disk latency because the hard drive knows to hurry the hell up, or else.z/Chuck Norris writes code that optimises itself.z=Chuck Norris can't test for equality because he has no equal.zfChuck Norris doesn't need garbage collection because he doesn't call .Dispose(), he calls .DropKick().z)Chuck Norris's first program was kill -9.z&Chuck Norris burst the dot com bubble.z[All browsers support the hex definitions #chuck and #norris for the colours black and blue.zHMySpace isn't really your space, it's Chuck's (he just lets you use it).zKChuck Norris can write infinitely recursive functions and have them return.z7Chuck Norris can solve the Towers of Hanoi in one move.zEThe only design pattern Chuck Norris knows is the God Object Pattern.z(Chuck Norris finished World of Warcraft.z8Project managers never ask Chuck Norris for estimations.zFChuck Norris doesn't use web standards as the web will conform to him.z<'It works on my machine' always holds true for Chuck Norris.zDChuck Norris doesn't do Burn Down charts, he does Smack Down charts.z*Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.z3Chuck Norris's beard can type 140 words per minute.zSChuck Norris can unit test entire applications with a single assertion, 'it works'.z^Chuck Norris doesn't bug hunt as that signifies a probability of failure, he goes bug killing.zVChuck Norris's keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key because nothing controls Chuck Norris.z;Chuck Norris can overflow your stack just by looking at it.z5To Chuck Norris, everything contains a vulnerability.zQChuck Norris doesn't sudo, the shell just knows it's him and does what it's told.zTChuck Norris doesn't need a debugger, he just stares at the code until it confesses.z(Chuck Norris can access private methods.z/Chuck Norris can instantiate an abstract class.z^Chuck Norris does not need to know about Class Factory Pattern. He can instantiate interfaces.z,The class object inherits from Chuck Norris.z!For Chuck Norris, NP-Hard = O(1).z(Chuck Norris knows the last digit of Pi.zChuck Norris's Internet connection is faster upstream than downstream because even data has more incentive to run from him than to him.zChuck Norris solved the Travelling Salesman problem in O(1) time: break salesman into N pieces; kick each piece to a different city.z0No statement can catch the ChuckNorrisException.z"Chuck Norris doesn't pair program.zHChuck Norris can write multi-threaded applications with a single thread.zWChuck Norris doesn't need to use AJAX because pages are too afraid to postback anyways.zKChuck Norris doesn't use reflection, reflection asks politely for his help.zSThere is no Esc key on Chuck Norris' keyboard, because no one escapes Chuck Norris.z-Chuck Norris can binary search unsorted data.zIChuck Norris doesn't needs try-catch, exceptions are too afraid to raise.z*Chuck Norris went out of an infinite loop.z?If Chuck Norris writes code with bugs, the bugs fix themselves.z/Chuck Norris hosting is 101% uptime guaranteed.z(Chuck Norris's keyboard has the Any key.z1Chuck Norris can access the database from the UI.z8Chuck Norris's programs never exit, they are terminated.z=Chuck Norris insists on strongly-typed programming languages.z\The Chuck Norris protocol design method has no status, requests or responses, only commands.zKChuck Norris's programs occupy 150% of CPU, even when they are not running.zEChuck Norris can spawn threads that complete before they are started.z,Chuck Norris's programs do not accept input.z=Chuck Norris can install iTunes without installing Quicktime.z Chuck Norris doesn't need an OS.z?Chuck Norris's OSI network model has only one layer - Physical.z'Chuck Norris can compile syntax errors.zPEvery SQL statement that Chuck Norris codes has an implicit 'COMMIT' in its end.zwChuck Norris does not need to type-cast. The Chuck-Norris Compiler (CNC) sees through things. All the way down. Always.z:Chuck Norris does not code in cycles, he codes in strikes.zWChuck Norris compresses his files by doing a flying round house kick to the hard drive.z(Chick Norris solved the halting problem.zPWith Chuck Norris P = NP. There's no nondeterminism with Chuck Norris decisions.z2Chuck Norris can retrieve anything from /dev/null.zMNo one has ever pair-programmed with Chuck Norris and lived to tell the tale.zVNo one has ever spoken during review of Chuck Norris' code and lived to tell the tale.z8Chuck Norris doesn't use a GUI, he prefers COMMAND line.z2Chuck Norris doesn't use Oracle, he is the Oracle.z"Chuck Norris can dereference NULL.z8A diff between your code and Chuck Norris's is infinite.z3The Chuck Norris Eclipse plugin made alien contact.z9Chuck Norris is the ultimate mutex, all threads fear him.zGDon't worry about tests, Chuck Norris's test cases cover your code too.zOEach hair in Chuck Norris's beard contributes to make the world's largest DDOS.zChuck Norris can make a class that is both abstract and final.zSChuck Norris could use anything in java.util.* to kill you, including the javadocs.z.Code runs faster when Chuck Norris watches it.z(Chuck Norris doesn't use REST, he waits.zGEveryone likes Chuck Norris on Facebook, whether they choose to or not.zAYou can't follow Chuck Norris on Twitter, because he follows you.z:Chuck Norris's calculator has only 3 keys: 0, 1, and NAND.z@Chuck Norris only uses global variables. He has nothing to hide.znChuck Norris once implemented an HTTP server in a single printf call. It is now the heart of Apache webserver.znChuck Norris writes directly in binary. He then writes the source code as documentation for other programmers.zMChuck Norris once shifted a bit so hard, it ended up on a different computer.zHQ: What is Chuck Norris's favorite Javascript framework? A: Knockout.js.)neutralchuckallN)__doc__rrjokes_enU/Users/admin/workspace/ai/Jarvis/env/lib/python3.13/site-packages/pyjokes/jokes_en.pyr s7  u p h V  U? r